omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
