somebody snuck up and got me drunk
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Randomize
