The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
