I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
Randomize
