i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
