The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
