she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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