Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
