I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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