Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
