I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Randomize
