Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Randomize
