I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Randomize
