my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Oh god it's open bar.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
