I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Just high enough for therapy.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
