Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
