You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
