I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
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