I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
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