If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
