I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
