Please, let me fuck your mom
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
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