I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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