Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Randomize
