we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
Too much gin, very little bucket
He told me they were just razor bumps!
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Randomize
