my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Randomize
