Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
no it's cool...i'm just drinking and studying...cool night
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
