So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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