i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Randomize
