hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
