Duck Duck Cougar?
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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