Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Randomize
