i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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