I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
