i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
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