I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
