I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
