The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
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