can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
i have a lot of questions about the picture quality/lighting/motion/gravity of the balls...
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