I'm going to jail i love you
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
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