I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Randomize
