This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
