I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
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