My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
i now understand why vodka
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
