I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Randomize
