Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Holy sore nipples Batman
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Randomize
