Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Randomize
