I have demons in me.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
