Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Randomize
