glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
